Please Understand Why I Did What I Did
In doing my meditations, a word entered into the very core of my center, Comprehension.... and then suddenly the ugly cry. The kind with tears, snot, and no dignity left. I realized I've spent years believing I was gathering evidence for the truth when often I was gathering evidence for my innocence. Not, "Am I right?" But:
"Please understand why I did what I did."
That landed directly in my solar plexus, it was the ache in my stomach that has been waiting on my attention so it could show me what it was hiding. What I saw was a lifetime of defending myself before anyone had even accused me of anything. Sometimes the thing we're trying to understand isn't a problem to solve. It's a pattern waiting to be seen.
What humbled me most wasn't discovering a new idea. It was realizing that life has been offering me the same lesson through countless forms for years. Books, teachers, conversations, disappointments, hopes, grief, waiting, and even entertainment have all carried pieces of the same message. The moment I stopped arguing with what was showing up and allowed myself to comprehend it, the defense softened. What remained was not a problem to solve, but a deeper understanding of myself. Sometimes everything really is here to assist us, if we're willing to let it. 💛
I've been exploring the difference between story and feeling, between defending and understanding, between searching for answers and allowing comprehension to arise. If these kinds of conversations speak to you, I'd love to have you join me for the next live Zoom gathering. DM for more info.
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